I have this fantasy, of sorts.
In my fantasy, I’m surrounded by people. And instead of discussing movies or the weather or some stupid stuff, we ask important questions like…
“What are the top things we want to accomplish this week?”
“How can we accomplish them?”
“What are the obstacles that can stay in our ways… and what can we do about them?”
“What first action can we take now?”
“Have we tried this in the past and failed? How can we learn from that?”
I swear, I’d have tears in my eyes if I’d meet such people and be blessed with them in my life. Why? Because of course, nobody does it. Real life is not Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand.
But one can wish, right?
I guess this is why I have lost interests in most friendships. I have even lost interest in most girls nowadays. I have goals. I have things that are of grave importance to me. And the only person interested in discussing them is… myself.
I mean how would it be if I’d find a girl… that instead of gossiping at night or telling me about her frustrations or killing time, as most do, we’d review our day? What we’ve learned? What we want to accomplish tomorrow?
What if instead of her being just a passive passenger in my life, where the most exciting thing about my relationship with her would be sex… she’d be an active muse to help me to improve my finances, fitness, education and so on – not by actually working towards the accomplishment of these goals for me but simply, by being there.
I’d run and I’d buy a diamond ring with all my savings and ask her to marry me right away. I would. Because if I could have that kind of cognitive intimacy with someone, where I feel understood and where what is important to me, is also important to her… I’d feel fulfilled beyond measure.
I dated so much in the last months. Taiwan, Philippines, Malaysia… and I couldn’t help myself but feel a bit disappointed. Each time I’ve found myself listening, acting interested, but as a means to a goal – like, “if I am acting interested and I use active listening, then she’ll like me more and she’ll be more close to me”.
But I never felt any of that is of consequence. And sure, the sex was fun, the flirting was fun and spending time with a girl that turns heads on the street made me feel very proud of myself… but not once, not once we’ve actually discussed anything that I could feel is an actual investment in my life.
The last person with whom I did this… was a brilliant young girl who majored in Philosophy. We’ve spent hours at a coffee shop discussing life and concepts, then went to an art gallery and it wasn’t just “I fucking love the way she looks” but “I fucking love the way she thinks”.
I guess maybe I’m special in this regard, special as in high maintenance. Or maybe I’m not. But in my humble opinion, if you have a girl in your life, then it is supposed to be more than NetFlix and chill, and sex, and hanging out. It is supposed to be “we are a team” and act as one, instead of seeing her as an accessory or as a category of activities to do for relaxation.
Or again… maybe I love Atlas Shrugged too much and I’ve always craved for a Daphne Taggart when there was none available.
And I don’t know how to feel about this.
Even in very recent history, I’ve spent time with someone and while she’s sweet and all, I wonder, did anything we spoke in those two hours was of consequence or we were just talking because I wanted to be with her? If I had no physical interest in her, would have I engaged in that conversation to begin with?
And the answer is no, of course not.
I know what type of person I want. She must be smart, she must be very pretty, she must be fit, she must be relatively emotionally stable (or at least not a liability in my life), she must check a lot of boxes.
And those girls exists…
I’ve met this girl from Hong Kong… and a girl from China… and both were fitting a lot of boxes. Smart, very pretty, fucking hot – the kind of girls to sexually fantasise about but also to discuss Proust with them if you wanted.
So I know…
What I want is there…
But unfortunately, this kind of quality requires me to be a prize. No matter if I like it or not, the kind of woman that satisfies all my requirements for a relationship requires the kind of man that I’m not. I have some muscle mass to put on… some fat to reduce… some more money to make… some maturity to develop… some skills to comprehend before I can have such a girl.
And while it’s technically possible to date one even right now, as contrary to popular beliefs, girls aren’t the superficial fucks that everyone makes them to be, I know I can’t keep her. I can’t live up to expectations.
Not yet anyway.
I have very high expectations and for better or for worse, high expectations come with a high barrier of entry. It’s like wanting Mercedes instead of Skoda. Sure, you can want it but you need to also afford it. If one has only $20.000, he buys a Skoda, not a S Klasse Mercedes.
So is with the opposite sex…
Contrary to love stories and romance and improbable events, people tend to associate with others of their kind. Smart, ambitious, beautiful and driven people end up in relationships with… smart, ambitious, beautiful and driven people.
And then is the old truth… that the things we appreciate the most in us, we look in others too.
Someone who diets and goes to the gym and she is proud of her body, well, she’ll look for someone with at least an above average body too. Not many perfect physiques there with fat fucks, all other things being equal, right?
And Harvard girls don’t end up with stupid morons. They end up with intelligent guys who make things happen… even if they may not have been to Harvard.
If you end up putting everything on a graph, you’ll notice that we end up with someone that is very close to the average of our own qualities and while anomalies exists, the rule stands true in 99.9% of the time. And that’s only normal. I want something amazing. She wants something amazing too.
So maybe I should accept a truth at this moment…
FIRST – I am not happy with the type of girls I attract at this moment in my life. They’re better than nothing but for someone like me stuck in his head that needs to talk and analyse and achieve cognitive intimacy, it’s not really ideal.
SECOND – I should spend most of my time becoming that person. I have too much body fat, I don’t have a very attractive physique and I rate myself a 7 / 10. If I want to attract better in my life, I need to get to an 8 or 8.5 at least. It matters. It’s the truth.
THIRD – I’ve dated 9 girls in the last twelve months.
One I’ve fallen in love with – but couldn’t have due to logistical issues. Damn irony.
One we’ve argued all the time.
One I’ve had huge expectations over her, and then realised she’s quite a simple and plain girl, which is perfect but not for my overly complicated psychology. I need puzzles to solve and people to intrigue me.
One was fucking amazing… but I am way too poor to take care of her, especially since she made it clear that she wants to be taken care of. And I would have… but I’m at least one – one and a half years away from being able to do that.
One had huge psychological blockages… and guilt… and while it was fine, she was very sweet most of the time, I felt better towards her as a friend than lover.
One… I was just a huge asshole and basically used her. She thought the ONS will be a relationship. I knew it wasn’t. She ended up hating me. I don’t blame her.
One… so loving, so sweet, so kind… but the timing was awful. Quite simple but maybe the closest I have seen to relationship material.
And the list could go on.
The point here is not to brag… the point here is that I’ve done this enough lately to know exactly what I want and what I don’t want. And apart from two of them, there was no connection, there no bond, there was nothing real. It was a game.
And maybe… I should stop seeking new games and just improve myself up to the point where I naturally attract the type of girl I want and need in my life. But I know that while she’s my prize, I’m not her prize… so better hit up those gym sessions, read those books and finish those projects to make money.
Maybe the key is not to be a male slut and date again and again everywhere I go… but to build myself to the kind of person that finally attracts someone that makes me happy. And that I’ll do.